A broken mirror.

"The cheat always lies at the feet 

of the cheated."

Being a person with a penchant for being always too late 

for anything and everything, I arrived too early with you.

I wish I could say that I had spent too many moments convincing myself that you loved me as much as I loved you, but I actually never felt the need to doubt what we had. Or what I was led on to believe we had.

I remember asking you as you first sat on my bed at my new home; if you knew what committing to an "us" meant. I wanted to be sure that we held the same principles of what exclusivity meant. I wanted you to be sure, to refocus your gaze at the door and should it look welcoming to leave, it would have been understandable. You looked at me as if what I had said was so silly, and told me this was what you have always wanted. Then you smiled. That smile, how I lit up every time I saw that smile. That same goddamn smile, how it burns me every time I see it now. 


And for what felt like the first time, I finally knew what it meant to be on time. To smile and laugh as when you did, to kiss and fall into you as you into me; to combine a puzzle of our once untimely pieces at the same time you did. It was a gift I unwrapped everyday with thankfulness, that we mirrored each other so often, I begun to stop missing being alone.

I finally knew why being on time was spoke of so often, and why I was given looks of pity I've always wished I could view from the down side up. I finally knew how it felt to reply "everything's great" in continuous rhythm when anyone ask how we were. I felt so proud- I was rarely the person anyone expects only 2 words as a reply. And mean it. I did not realize how easy and effortless the words left with my breath, as seemingly simple as how one would exhale while amidst during their slumber.

That night, in the usual comforting silence of your rested presence, my ears noticed for the first time how our pocket watches kept in breast pockets were not ticking in harmony. I had thought it always ticked one after another, without a second's hesitation; that no matter how loud it was around us,  and no matter how far we were from each other, we never had to push the distance nor the noise for us to reassure that we were in sync. But that night, I strained to hear what had always been a constant heartbeat that never died down- and all I heard were the pauses and hesitations and doubts that I didn't know existed.

You shrugged me off, then denied the offbeat tick, and then it stopped. I was always so early with you that you begun being late, and eventually stopped turning up. I realized then that I had been alone the entire time.

I thought about all the times your hands were weaved over mine as we stood still, the times our voices were still, the times everything stood still; and remembered appreciating how our hearts were still beating so hard, so fast, so loud, as if to make up for the silence the world allowed us to bask in. 

I thought about all the times I had wished time would freeze over so that I could simply stay hidden between top of your shoulders and the bottom of your voice resounding those whispered songs of "it will be okay". 

I thought about all the conversations that brought out laughs that wouldn't stop, smiles that wouldn't turn, hands that wouldn't let go, and eyes that never wavered.  All those times when wishes of time standing still never mattered, when the promises our hearts made were still locked in each other's safes. All those moans and sighs we both encouraged each other with, filling up each other's gaps of what was once missing with love we thought we had too much of.

I guess you had enough from me, so you gave yours away. Like a successful suprise party, I didn't feel anything suspicious happening before it was revealed. But just like how a surprise party could be ruined, you became lazy with routine of hiding- and I found out you were cheating on me.

The truth didn't just unravel like how I thought you would. I had to dig through layers of lying dirt while tears kept slowing me down. I had to scrape through lie after lie beneath my fingernails that broke between your secret and the truth.

My heart was aching as if a back would have after days of digging up a hole I didn't know how deep you had burrowed down. I asked for answers to questions I couldn't form in my mind, I asked questions I was afraid of getting answers to. Unending questions got answers that would cause more questions of what was real made up a report card of everything I failed. Time passed me, yet I am still in my silent overbearing playback of "You were not good enough."

"I didn't leave you when you wanted me to as I still wanted you."
"Yes, I kissed you and wondered why couldn't it be her."
"The day after I asked you to be mine, I asked if she wanted to meet me."
"No, she doesn't know you exist. I wanted her to know I was available."
"I wanted her to know she could fuck me when she wanted."
"I wanted to hurt you."
"I was drinking."
"I felt free."

"Please give me another chance."
"She never meant anything to me."
"I wanted to hurt you, but I didn't know it would actually hurt you this much."

Like a song on repeat; it only stops playing when I fall asleep. 
And when I awake, the pain arrives again, on time, as it has every day since.

Being a person with a penchant for being always too late for anything and everything, I arrived too early with you.

I should have left when I arrived early. I guess now it's too late.

You Were The Change In Me

You were Spring.

You brought the warmth in your smile,

Melting the icicles around my hardened heart.

Dried my tears so fast I forgot what I was even crying about.

Each exhale your body allowed, would blow the grey clouds further apart.

The twinkle in your eyes as if the brightness of the Sun,

Illuminating with the warmest glow to announce your welcome.

You were the end of my freezing nights,

The beginning of my blooming garden which was once snow covered and forgotten about.

You were Summer.

Your unwavering eyes on me caused blushes only the blistering heat could create.

Like water droplets condensing on window panes; dripping wet-

Your whispers amplified my voice in utter agreement-

As if the perfect combination of iced water& freshly squeezed lemons,

I swear our moments of happiness would have been the equivalence of Spring break attendees on the Cuba beaches.

You were the fully bloomed roses, evergreen hill tops, the smell of freshly cut grass.

You were the freedom riding down endless roads with our favourite songs on full blast.

Your breath on my neck, as if the breeze making a promise to the trees-

Guaranteeing that the lonely nights would end sooner than the rest of times.

You were Autumn.

With the change as sudden as the winds turning colder,

How our smiles turned into frowns like the change of colours the leaves were wearing.

Searching for beauty within the rustling of dried leaves& sweeping them up after-

Trying not to reminisce how beautiful they once were.

As if preparing for the coldness that would arrive, as if preparing for the heartbreak that I could not handle;

Thicker sweaters mimicking your arms, hot chocolate replacing your kisses, pumpkin pies to relive the comfort of the home we once built.

As if a costume during Halloween, how you removed a mask I once believed was your true self.

I could have left for greener pastures; but call me naive-

Because I stayed on hoping for the weather to return to its former.

You were Winter.

Nights arriving sooner than I was used to, 

Days were lazier than the usual- didn't see the point of leaving my now only comfort of solace.

You were the reason why I developed the habits of hibernating animals,

Simply wishing to sleep through the entire winter, still hoping to awake to warmer weather.

Fireplaces, drinking soup or hot chocolate, laying under sheets- doing anything to pretend you were still providing me heat-

You enjoyed throwing snowballs to hurt, building snowmen that couldn't feel,

Creating your ideal angels in the snow, I guess I was living in those shadows-

And with the grey skies hovering over me, I guess the only thing I can do now is to keep looking up till the Sun emerges once again. 

You were the change in me.

I Want You To Know That I am Thankful

I want you to know, 

that you are the reason why I even pull myself out of bed instead of the covers over my head. 

That you are the reason why I look forward to the sun rising in anticipation of hearing your voice fill the air, 

and to allow laughter be induced from depths within myself I never knew exist.

I want you to know, that I emphatize.

 That I curse myself for not expanding my circle earlier, 

or perhaps went in search for you with more intent,

 so that perhaps I could have prevented your heartaches, 

or even have been there to offer you my presence.

 Call me egoistic, but I am sure I would have made a difference. 

My thoughts on this remain affirmative as your embraces have made my tears dry up faster, 

kept my being warmer than I ever knew I could be.

I want you to know, that I will hold onto your dreams, 

even if no one else thinks they are plausible. 

I will put them on display them above mine, shine them every so often- 

that when you are ready to adorn them like medals that they are, 

I can remind you of why they even materialized in the first place. 

Always remember, that your dreams- 

even the very simple crux of the idea, holds weight in my heart, 

to keep me down to earth, so you may go beyond this world.

 And especially on the nights where you do not believe in them, or yourself, that I always will- 

simply because you have salvaged mine when I dispose of them every so often.

I want you to know, that you have made me smile and turned things around. 

Whenever I have imagined my reflection, 

it has never been one that made my heart beat faster with excitement and impatience. 

It has been said that the ones you let yourself be around should be the ones you see yourself to become-

 and I can safely announce that you have given me a goal to better myself 

and to remember that there are flowers I have not seen bloom in my garden, 

if only I would listen to your reminders to keep them watered.

I want you to know, that I am grateful. 

I who have been blessed with the words to express, 

have not yet found the words to describe the light you have ignited in my soul 

to allow me to glance around myself, realizing that perhaps, 

there is more to what my options have lead me to. 

And for that, thank you to you.

I have to let you know, however, 

that I am terrible at keeping people around. 

I tend to be clumsier than most and slip back into my somber self too often, 

and I hope you would bother to carry me back up so that you may always be in view, 

so that I may push on with your hands in mine, till I may walk with no aid once again. 

I guess I just wanted you to know, 

that I am thankful for the Universe to forcefully meet you despite my predicament. 

That you have clouded my mind and given my heart with all these maybes, 

which I have ran out of a while ago. 

Thank you for switching all my impossibilities into something possible. 

Thank you for existing. 

Tell me you hear the echoes of your keys as they fall to the table, replacing where my welcoming of you back home used to fill the air.

Tell me you miss my laughter as you speak of your day while lighting a cigarette, and how I insist on hugging you despite you bringing home the day with you.

Tell me you press your lips tight so not to remember how my lips felt against yours after each hello and before each goodbye.

Tell me you feel the wind breezing past your shoulders, where my arms used to hook around your neck while looking into your eyes telling you how lucky I was.

Tell me you stay silent at home, hoping that if you kept quiet long enough, listened hard enough- that you might hear me calling out for you.

Tell me you stare in the mirror while you brush your teeth, so not to see the empty cup that used to hold my toothbrush, or realize how a bathroom could feel so sterile in a home.

Tell me you sigh in bed as you pull back the covers, reaching out where I used to lay facing you, with my smile only you could place on my face.

Tell me you lean your back against the wall as you drift off into the past to mimic where my body used to be as our breaths sync through the night.

Tell me you remember how you begun to understand what a pleasant shock meant when I begun to exist in your life, where kisses placed or hands fumbling to find yours were a common while you slept- for you to awake only to find me creeping closer to you, and to melt back into your dreams with a smile only I could form.

Tell me you rediscovered the unpleasant falls that wake you when you find yourself occupying the entire bed and no one pushing you away for trying to keep yourself warm.

Tell me you now hate the music of birds, and how my shifting doesn't awake you anymore, but how the birds still do, taking up the role of a fire alarm, for you to feel the aftermath of the fire I set in your heart.

Tell me you have begun understanding how the deaf functions as our favorite songs play, and how you never had to concentrate so hard to ignore a sound that used to make your day. 

Tell me you still think of me.

Tell me you still miss me.

Tell me you still love me.

Because I am still here, waiting to tell you all these, all over again.

This is Enough

This is Enough

I've looked at you from afar many times, wanting more but unsure of what the definition of more was. So the first time you looked back at me across the table over lunch, with those brown eyes of yours; albeit the kindest, softest and purest brown eyes I have ever seen and listening to every word I was speaking with a crooked smile, one which my heart instantly branded into my mind- that was enough.

When you held your hand in mine, I then realized I have never held a hand which had the wear of too many hard days and the softness of too many nights tears has seeped through. How you held on tightly with fingers enveloping mine as if they had always belonged there; and without words spoken assured me with the morse code only my heart can comprehend. Every time my hand latched onto yours, you mirrored my strength as if a clutch in the fastest Aston Martin- my heart; mind; sight was racing through the endless roads of possibilities without a destination in mind. That was enough. 

During the end of our long nights, your weary sighs causes echoes that bounces off the white walls and wrinkles would be engraved around your eyes- consequences the days bring which are as crumpled as the shirts your body wears home. I would ask how your day was and as you narrate another chapter from the book of yesterdays, your aching shoulders fall back into the bed, sinking into my carrier of dreams I have had of you. Despite carrying the world on your shoulders everyday, you would still gesture for me to come closer into your arms; to hold me. That moment of silence, as we both sigh into each other, replicating the perfect formation of ying and yang- that was enough. 

This morning, just before you hurriedly left work, you infused the room with the intoxicating smell of your cologne, which my being now recognizes as your scent. I rolled over, still feeling the warmth of your essence lazily cooling off. When I finally awoke to your messages; of which the tone was the equivalence of birds chirping and leaves rustling during autumn mornings-  I inhaled the sweet effervescent of your exhale and smiled to myself. You had texted what was cowardly dwelling in the back of my mind- the unbelievable admittance of missing me despite the nights spent together just hours prior. I felt a pleasant jolt through my spine, as if love was being infused into my bones, as it had been everyday since the first time you laid your eyes- those beautiful brown eyes on mine. This, this is enough. 

I'm Beginning to Forget You.

For The First Time

For The First Time

For the first time,
I see those colours
I hear the ones basking in happiness speak about.

That yellow, warm sunlight, starry night skies.
All my sorrows have melted away
Like glistening butter swirling
My head twirling, spinning,
How does his humbling words do that?

That natural confidence
Add his knowledge so vast
Regarding anything green
& in his mahogany arms,
I feel as though blanketed underneath
A pile of neatly swept autumn leaves
When we fall to sleep peacefully
Entwined at night.

Those blue, rings around his eyes
So kind baby, blew me away
Each time he calls my name
Sky- high;
He protects me with his life
I never needed to worry
If he would return, trust
Worthy man of his kind.

As though, my royal king in purple,
His mystery, will always hold my gaze.
Amazed, in a daze
Watching his lips turn up as he laughs
Innocence; my shoulders showing

Nervousness upon receiving his velvet
Kissing, vibrating till my toes, how does he do that?
Stealing my breath, dissolving my woes in it's effervescence.

That red, hot, scorching, intensifying
Excites every part of me, especially
His whispers of sweet
Everything-s, is turning me pink
Brings out of the woman in me
I have missed being around
His fiery passion of life, his spirit,
I now live the dream in reality

Of beautiful beginnings, in every awakening.

How he's so clear and precise,
So sure and concise of
How his life now comprised, of me.
When he hugs me from behind
I am blind,
Fireworks in the black skies;
White flashes of pictures never taken,
The rest of the world
Momentarily greys in comparison.

I've always paid attention to the negativity of life,
Always too close to resorting to the knife,
No longer need to fill, feel the void,
No longer paranoid,
&for the first time-
I no longer wake up
Shivering, shaking, withering like the flowers
In the beginning of winter mornings.

I have finally arrived at the end of the rainbow.

You Are The Universe

If I told you, 

You are the Universe, would you believe me?

If I told you, 

We are destined, would you believe me?

That amongst the galaxy, there are many planets,

But you chose to give mine life. 

You named several then, but they now revolve around my world,

Which you last named, and only I am still alive in you.

If I told you, 

You are the sky in my world.

I look up to you, endless, with hope,

Would you believe me?

If I told you,

Your white clouds, baby, blue highlights,

Allows my world to quietly day dream,

That your royal blue night sky, sprinkled with an overdose of glitter,

Creeping in slowly, to announce your arrival,

Allows my world, to scream their frustrations in their nightmares,

And you would wake their loved ones with your booming alarm,

To comfort them, washing their sounds away with rain, your tear- drops, 

Feeling helpless, but you always pull through,

Giving my world rainbows, with all the colours that makes up my world.

You make my world, smile, always, at the end of every storm.

If I told you, 

Your eyes, are the stars at night, 

I make wishes upon the stars that light up the darkness of my world.

They have been, long gone for many years, but still surround me at night.

They still twinkle to remind me I am not alone when I can't sleep, 

And they have granted all my wishes.

If I told you, 

Your secrets are the Moon, always somewhat hidden in the dark.

But, did you know, the Moon, is a visionary illusion,

That my world exists, to allow you to be seen, 

Reflect, leaving shadows,

Shadows, revealing your existent pain,

And the wolves in my world, howl for your hurt, 

When you finally show your entirety.

If I told you, 

You are the Sun- light in my world,

You are the only star that dares to come so close,

But keeps a distance so to never hurt me, yet keeps me warm.

That you are the only source of brightness in my world,

And everyone's source of energy.

The main, attraction, to me.

You are why flowers grow, why my world, has life.

You give me, life.

If I told you,

You are the Universe,

Would you believe me?

Natural Wonder

Natural Wonder

Nature, 

Is the only thing we do not have control over
Showcases its beauty, easy for you to discover.
However, if you dig you will uncover
it hides what we deem ugly, but it is actually all that we need.
So it stays underneath the light,

& allows itself to embrace only the night.

I think the world conspired us to be together.
That maybe, these disasters, its not simply because of the weather.
That maybe, global warming isn't the problem, but rather its the solution.
That maybe the wind blows the waves further, nearer
To prevent wars, break down these walls, to stop these long distance calls, because,
Nature knows the waves will soften the lands so we can make amends,
To protect what we need. Let the water seep,
Through the hardness it built to protect over the years.
Maybe we would get over the fears, no more tears. We wouldn't need numbers,
To subtract the distance measured by the seas, simply so i can kiss you with ease.
To be the glue to the gaps that you have, to be your last addiction,
No, wait, I don't want to just be a story you tell, 

So, instead, baby, make me your last addition.

And maybe running out of trees isn't such a big issue,
Well sweetheart, maybe they don't wanna make more tissues.
Or for me to write down what matters, 

When the only thing i can do is to write you love letters.
Cos they've been printing way too many books with these covers,
That makes me wonder why i am still so empty despite of all these shit they sell at borders.
I wish I was the kind that settles, so that I would not bother,
To look for someone that was forever, or for someone that was nothing like my father.
To stay with me till the candle dries, but no darkness, cos here comes the sunrise.

And maybe oil's running out, simply cos the world is sick of you running about.
Making your way to me, away from me, we both wish i was your missus.
Wait, i digress, let me finish the rest.

These natural wonders, yeah sometimes there will be thunders.
But darling, i'll never make your heart a doubter,
And as long as you never be an adulterer, i'll always be your meat pounder,
As long as you promise to always fuck me harder, yes, i know thats just the physical.

Okay if you must know, it's like the sun, you'll always the light that i need,
And even if it becomes dark too soon, i too, can be your light, very much like the moon.
I know you don't believe in forever, but to me, like nature, it's still here,
And i'll still be here, despite the weather.