A broken mirror.

"The cheat always lies at the feet 

of the cheated."

Being a person with a penchant for being always too late 

for anything and everything, I arrived too early with you.

I wish I could say that I had spent too many moments convincing myself that you loved me as much as I loved you, but I actually never felt the need to doubt what we had. Or what I was led on to believe we had.

I remember asking you as you first sat on my bed at my new home; if you knew what committing to an "us" meant. I wanted to be sure that we held the same principles of what exclusivity meant. I wanted you to be sure, to refocus your gaze at the door and should it look welcoming to leave, it would have been understandable. You looked at me as if what I had said was so silly, and told me this was what you have always wanted. Then you smiled. That smile, how I lit up every time I saw that smile. That same goddamn smile, how it burns me every time I see it now. 


And for what felt like the first time, I finally knew what it meant to be on time. To smile and laugh as when you did, to kiss and fall into you as you into me; to combine a puzzle of our once untimely pieces at the same time you did. It was a gift I unwrapped everyday with thankfulness, that we mirrored each other so often, I begun to stop missing being alone.

I finally knew why being on time was spoke of so often, and why I was given looks of pity I've always wished I could view from the down side up. I finally knew how it felt to reply "everything's great" in continuous rhythm when anyone ask how we were. I felt so proud- I was rarely the person anyone expects only 2 words as a reply. And mean it. I did not realize how easy and effortless the words left with my breath, as seemingly simple as how one would exhale while amidst during their slumber.

That night, in the usual comforting silence of your rested presence, my ears noticed for the first time how our pocket watches kept in breast pockets were not ticking in harmony. I had thought it always ticked one after another, without a second's hesitation; that no matter how loud it was around us,  and no matter how far we were from each other, we never had to push the distance nor the noise for us to reassure that we were in sync. But that night, I strained to hear what had always been a constant heartbeat that never died down- and all I heard were the pauses and hesitations and doubts that I didn't know existed.

You shrugged me off, then denied the offbeat tick, and then it stopped. I was always so early with you that you begun being late, and eventually stopped turning up. I realized then that I had been alone the entire time.

I thought about all the times your hands were weaved over mine as we stood still, the times our voices were still, the times everything stood still; and remembered appreciating how our hearts were still beating so hard, so fast, so loud, as if to make up for the silence the world allowed us to bask in. 

I thought about all the times I had wished time would freeze over so that I could simply stay hidden between top of your shoulders and the bottom of your voice resounding those whispered songs of "it will be okay". 

I thought about all the conversations that brought out laughs that wouldn't stop, smiles that wouldn't turn, hands that wouldn't let go, and eyes that never wavered.  All those times when wishes of time standing still never mattered, when the promises our hearts made were still locked in each other's safes. All those moans and sighs we both encouraged each other with, filling up each other's gaps of what was once missing with love we thought we had too much of.

I guess you had enough from me, so you gave yours away. Like a successful suprise party, I didn't feel anything suspicious happening before it was revealed. But just like how a surprise party could be ruined, you became lazy with routine of hiding- and I found out you were cheating on me.

The truth didn't just unravel like how I thought you would. I had to dig through layers of lying dirt while tears kept slowing me down. I had to scrape through lie after lie beneath my fingernails that broke between your secret and the truth.

My heart was aching as if a back would have after days of digging up a hole I didn't know how deep you had burrowed down. I asked for answers to questions I couldn't form in my mind, I asked questions I was afraid of getting answers to. Unending questions got answers that would cause more questions of what was real made up a report card of everything I failed. Time passed me, yet I am still in my silent overbearing playback of "You were not good enough."

"I didn't leave you when you wanted me to as I still wanted you."
"Yes, I kissed you and wondered why couldn't it be her."
"The day after I asked you to be mine, I asked if she wanted to meet me."
"No, she doesn't know you exist. I wanted her to know I was available."
"I wanted her to know she could fuck me when she wanted."
"I wanted to hurt you."
"I was drinking."
"I felt free."

"Please give me another chance."
"She never meant anything to me."
"I wanted to hurt you, but I didn't know it would actually hurt you this much."

Like a song on repeat; it only stops playing when I fall asleep. 
And when I awake, the pain arrives again, on time, as it has every day since.

Being a person with a penchant for being always too late for anything and everything, I arrived too early with you.

I should have left when I arrived early. I guess now it's too late.

You Were The Change In Me

You were Spring.

You brought the warmth in your smile,

Melting the icicles around my hardened heart.

Dried my tears so fast I forgot what I was even crying about.

Each exhale your body allowed, would blow the grey clouds further apart.

The twinkle in your eyes as if the brightness of the Sun,

Illuminating with the warmest glow to announce your welcome.

You were the end of my freezing nights,

The beginning of my blooming garden which was once snow covered and forgotten about.

You were Summer.

Your unwavering eyes on me caused blushes only the blistering heat could create.

Like water droplets condensing on window panes; dripping wet-

Your whispers amplified my voice in utter agreement-

As if the perfect combination of iced water& freshly squeezed lemons,

I swear our moments of happiness would have been the equivalence of Spring break attendees on the Cuba beaches.

You were the fully bloomed roses, evergreen hill tops, the smell of freshly cut grass.

You were the freedom riding down endless roads with our favourite songs on full blast.

Your breath on my neck, as if the breeze making a promise to the trees-

Guaranteeing that the lonely nights would end sooner than the rest of times.

You were Autumn.

With the change as sudden as the winds turning colder,

How our smiles turned into frowns like the change of colours the leaves were wearing.

Searching for beauty within the rustling of dried leaves& sweeping them up after-

Trying not to reminisce how beautiful they once were.

As if preparing for the coldness that would arrive, as if preparing for the heartbreak that I could not handle;

Thicker sweaters mimicking your arms, hot chocolate replacing your kisses, pumpkin pies to relive the comfort of the home we once built.

As if a costume during Halloween, how you removed a mask I once believed was your true self.

I could have left for greener pastures; but call me naive-

Because I stayed on hoping for the weather to return to its former.

You were Winter.

Nights arriving sooner than I was used to, 

Days were lazier than the usual- didn't see the point of leaving my now only comfort of solace.

You were the reason why I developed the habits of hibernating animals,

Simply wishing to sleep through the entire winter, still hoping to awake to warmer weather.

Fireplaces, drinking soup or hot chocolate, laying under sheets- doing anything to pretend you were still providing me heat-

You enjoyed throwing snowballs to hurt, building snowmen that couldn't feel,

Creating your ideal angels in the snow, I guess I was living in those shadows-

And with the grey skies hovering over me, I guess the only thing I can do now is to keep looking up till the Sun emerges once again. 

You were the change in me.

Tell me you hear the echoes of your keys as they fall to the table, replacing where my welcoming of you back home used to fill the air.

Tell me you miss my laughter as you speak of your day while lighting a cigarette, and how I insist on hugging you despite you bringing home the day with you.

Tell me you press your lips tight so not to remember how my lips felt against yours after each hello and before each goodbye.

Tell me you feel the wind breezing past your shoulders, where my arms used to hook around your neck while looking into your eyes telling you how lucky I was.

Tell me you stay silent at home, hoping that if you kept quiet long enough, listened hard enough- that you might hear me calling out for you.

Tell me you stare in the mirror while you brush your teeth, so not to see the empty cup that used to hold my toothbrush, or realize how a bathroom could feel so sterile in a home.

Tell me you sigh in bed as you pull back the covers, reaching out where I used to lay facing you, with my smile only you could place on my face.

Tell me you lean your back against the wall as you drift off into the past to mimic where my body used to be as our breaths sync through the night.

Tell me you remember how you begun to understand what a pleasant shock meant when I begun to exist in your life, where kisses placed or hands fumbling to find yours were a common while you slept- for you to awake only to find me creeping closer to you, and to melt back into your dreams with a smile only I could form.

Tell me you rediscovered the unpleasant falls that wake you when you find yourself occupying the entire bed and no one pushing you away for trying to keep yourself warm.

Tell me you now hate the music of birds, and how my shifting doesn't awake you anymore, but how the birds still do, taking up the role of a fire alarm, for you to feel the aftermath of the fire I set in your heart.

Tell me you have begun understanding how the deaf functions as our favorite songs play, and how you never had to concentrate so hard to ignore a sound that used to make your day. 

Tell me you still think of me.

Tell me you still miss me.

Tell me you still love me.

Because I am still here, waiting to tell you all these, all over again.

Forever.

Forever

It started with
A late photo shoot, and a host for a show.
A finishing film, and a tear down for another show.
A smoke break, and a digit trade.
A how do you do, and a good night to you too.
A rhyming call, and a wondering ball.
A booty call, and a i give you my all.

It started with
A good morning smile, and a good night- see you in a while.
A how was your day, and a see you later anyway.
A I love you, and a me too.
A I know, I know, I know, and a sorrow, borrow, I don't know.
A hope you are fine, yes i still whine, no we can't dine,
A song that reminds, a mind that rewinds, a bind that still, pines.

It started with
Oh you swine, oh you slime, oh you stupid? Fine.
Old and kind, Old and, never mind.
One more chance, one more dance, one more techno trance.
One more rave, one more slave, one more grave.
One more hit, one more bit, one more slit..

I stayed true and thru and through,
Out I went, out I spent, out I am again,
Still I love, still I live, still I lie,
Here, once more, here, once alone, here, stolen.

It ended with a
Thank you, Think you, Thought you,
For everything, For nothing, For anything,
You were right, You are light, You have taken away my fight.
Now I see only you,
Hear only you,
Think only you.

It started with a please smile,
It started with we smile,
It started with a waste of miles,
It ended with my smile.
Waiting, for a while, counting tiles.

I'll get there.
I'm sorry for breaking your spirit.
x