28 June 2015

A broken mirror.

"The cheat always lies at the feet 
of the cheated."

Being a person with a penchant for being always too late 
for anything and everything, I arrived too early with you.

I wish I could say that I had spent too many moments convincing myself that you loved me as much as I loved you, but I actually never felt the need to doubt what we had. Or what I was led on to believe we had.

I remember asking you as you first sat on my bed at my new home; if you knew what committing to an "us" meant. I wanted to be sure that we held the same principles of what exclusivity meant. I wanted you to be sure, to refocus your gaze at the door and should it look welcoming to leave, it would have been understandable. You looked at me as if what I had said was so silly, and told me this was what you have always wanted. Then you smiled. That smile, how I lit up every time I saw that smile. That same goddamn smile, how it burns me every time I see it now. 

And for what felt like the first time, I finally knew what it meant to be on time. To smile and laugh as when you did, to kiss and fall into you as you into me; to combine a puzzle of our once untimely pieces at the same time you did. It was a gift I unwrapped everyday with thankfulness, that we mirrored each other so often, I begun to stop missing being alone.

I finally knew why being on time was spoke of so often, and why I was given looks of pity I've always wished I could view from the down side up. I finally knew how it felt to reply "everything's great" in continuous rhythm when anyone ask how we were. I felt so proud- I was rarely the person anyone expects only 2 words as a reply. And mean it. I did not realize how easy and effortless the words left with my breath, as seemingly simple as how one would exhale while amidst during their slumber.

That night, in the usual comforting silence of your rested presence, my ears noticed for the first time how our pocket watches kept in breast pockets were not ticking in harmony. I had thought it always ticked one after another, without a second's hesitation; that no matter how loud it was around us,  and no matter how far we were from each other, we never had to push the distance nor the noise for us to reassure that we were in sync. But that night, I strained to hear what had always been a constant heartbeat that never died down- and all I heard were the pauses and hesitations and doubts that I didn't know existed.

You shrugged me off, then denied the offbeat tick, and then it stopped. I was always so early with you that you begun being late, and eventually stopped turning up. I realized then that I had been alone the entire time.

I thought about all the times your hands were weaved over mine as we stood still, the times our voices were still, the times everything stood still; and remembered appreciating how our hearts were still beating so hard, so fast, so loud, as if to make up for the silence the world allowed us to bask in. 

I thought about all the times I had wished time would freeze over so that I could simply stay hidden between top of your shoulders and the bottom of your voice resounding those whispered songs of "it will be okay". 

I thought about all the conversations that brought out laughs that wouldn't stop, smiles that wouldn't turn, hands that wouldn't let go, and eyes that never wavered.  All those times when wishes of time standing still never mattered, when the promises our hearts made were still locked in each other's safes. All those moans and sighs we both encouraged each other with, filling up each other's gaps of what was once missing with love we thought we had too much of.

I guess you had enough from me, so you gave yours away. Like a successful suprise party, I didn't feel anything suspicious happening before it was revealed. But just like how a surprise party could be ruined, you became lazy with routine of hiding- and I found out you were cheating on me.

The truth didn't just unravel like how I thought you would. I had to dig through layers of lying dirt while tears kept slowing me down. I had to scrape through lie after lie beneath my fingernails that broke between your secret and the truth.

My heart was aching as if a back would have after days of digging up a hole I didn't know how deep you had burrowed down. I asked for answers to questions I couldn't form in my mind, I asked questions I was afraid of getting answers to. Unending questions got answers that would cause more questions of what was real made up a report card of everything I failed. Time passed me, yet I am still in my silent overbearing playback of "You were not good enough."

"I didn't leave you when you wanted me to as I still wanted you."
"Yes, I kissed you and wondered why couldn't it be her."
"The day after I asked you to be mine, I asked if she wanted to meet me."
"No, she doesn't know you exist. I wanted her to know I was available."
"I wanted her to know she could fuck me when she wanted."
"I wanted to hurt you."
"I was drinking."
"I felt free."

"Please give me another chance."
"She never meant anything to me."
"I wanted to hurt you, but I didn't know it would actually hurt you this much."

Like a song on repeat; it only stops playing when I fall asleep. 
And when I awake, the pain arrives again, on time, as it has every day since.

Being a person with a penchant for being always too late for anything and everything, I arrived too early with you.

I should have left when I arrived early. I guess now it's too late.

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